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Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Leaping off the edge...

   I'm taking a break from the more spiritual discussion topics and going personal today.
   I've always been a very self-sufficient person. I pretty much took care of myself from about age 12 on, and I knew that if I didn't no one else would, at least not consistently. I had what you might call a difficult childhood that way, but it made me a strong person. I moved out of my parents house when I was 18 and was married by 19, working 3 part time jobs and handling all the messy details of life like finances and groceries - because you know the old joke about drummers right? (What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend? Homeless.) I started babysitting for pay at 12 and had my first "real" job at 16, and in my adult life I have rarely worked less than 2 jobs at once, even after having children. I've always been the one who did what needed to be done...
  Yesterday I quit my job, gave up my nice weekly paycheck, and I'm kind of terrified about that. I worry about what will happen, how we will manage. Although I will be picking up what I can doing tarot, rune, and assorted card readings, teaching esoteric classes, and helping out at my friend's store this is the first time since I was 16 I haven't had a set income. So, why did I do it?
  I took a leap of faith, with every logical ounce of my being screaming the whole way. I did it because my youngest daughter, who is 3 years old, has several chronic health problems and it has gotten to the point where doing what I need to for her and giving my job a 100% was impossible. And when it comes down to it no matter how scary this is for me, no matter how much I worry about what will come tomorrow, I promised myself when she was a baby that I would do whatever I could to make her life one that is defined by possibilities and not limitations. I made a choice to put what I feel is best for her in front of the security that has been the focus of much of my life so far, because I love my children more than I love my own desire for security. Did I do the right thing? I don't know. It will mean changes for the entire family and that certainly brings up the very Star Trek debate of whether the good of the one should outweigh the good of the many. But in my heart I feel I made the right choice and now I can only have faith that somehow it will all work out, even though it goes against my nature to step blindly over that precipice.
    I'm usually the one with the map, backpack full of supplies for every possible eventuality, compass, and 12 emergency back-up plans....but not anymore. Now I am leaping into the unknown. And we shall have to wait and see what happens.

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