the Ethics of Information

  Sometimes the universe can be funny in how one subject will suddenly seem to come up everywhere. Within the past week several incidents have occurred that have had me reflecting on the nature of owning information; what should belong to everyone, for free, to be shared freely, and what should cost? How important are clear sources in a world of muddy uncertainty?
   Twice in the past week I have seen people post online direct quotes they did not write. One was a prayer and the other an excerpt from a book, but in both cases no source was given, nor was it even mentioned in the original post that the person posting the information wasn't the author of it. In the first case when asked if it was okay to share the prayer the person said they had not written it and could not remember the source so, in a move that totally baffled me, the second person replied that they would simply credit the original poster as the source, even though that person admitted they had not written it. A quick Google search turned up the name of the author but even when that was known people continued to credit the poster, I assume because they ignored the discussion under the post. In the second case the person posted a paragraph long excerpt from a book under similar circumstances, but in that case I actually was familiar enough with the book that I immediately recognized it and mentioned the source. The response by the poster was that they liked the subject and just wanted to share. Along those same lines a friend had her entire blog re-posted without attribution by someone who seemed equally baffled as to why that mattered. Sometimes the person may genuinely not realize that it does, and sometimes the person may want other people to think that they did write those words, so they can enjoy the praise and compliments generated from it. And this morning I woke to read a link to a blog talking about yet another site making the rounds that offers free pdfs of many popular pagan books, something that should clearly be against the majority of neopagan morals yet rarely fails to appeal. (yes I admit it mystifies me that the same person who argues to the death that any magic for personal gain is wrong will turn around and cheerfully download over 100 still-in-print pagan books without seeing any issue with it).
   Maybe this is a sensitive issue for me because I have experienced it in the past, opening an email to see my own words - my reading list, my spell - under someone else's name and fought back only to get the same reply - who cares? As if I was the one who was wrong, because they say, information should be free for everyone. I have been told that anything spiritual should be free, should be shared, that sources don't matter, or in one case that knowing the true source was the responsibility of the reader not the poster, like some sort of test. Well I will never agree that it doesn't matter or that we shouldn't care. Plagiarism is a big issue in paganism, sometimes by accident and sometimes on purpose, but it will never get any better as long as we as a community put up with it. Now I don't mean things like chants and songs which can be more difficult to track back and spread like ink in water, although it's still worth trying to find sources on those as well, but most other material can be found, and in our online age can be found fairly easily. I would like to hope that it was obvious that any book under copyright - anything under copyright at all actually - should be respected.
   On the other hand there are some things that I do agree belong to everyone. Ritual structure, general meditations, things that truly cannot be traced back to any one person. Mythology. The old beliefs themselves. No one person can claim these things and they do belong to all of us.
   I think it presents an interesting challenge to the community at large to decide how we are going to deal with the ethics of information. There seems to be a pretty wide spread belief that sources, and citing sources, doesn't matter, and that can only change if we as a community change it. The idea that everything should be free - including books - will only change when the people thinking that way stop and realize how much work and effort goes into that book, or article, or what-have-you and decide that supporting the author (or in the case of deceased authors the family) is better than the quick fix of a free file. What value do we place on something that is free, compared to something that we had to work and save to get? What value do we place on our community itself and it's integrity if nothing matters but instant gratification?

The Lebor Feasa Runda Should Go Through a Woodchipper: a book review

   Too often we simply avoid bad books without ever knowing why they are bad and to be avoided, but relying on friend's opinions or word of mouth reviews. I have read other reviews of this book, Akins' Lebor Feasa Runda, which took a highly scholastic approach and were very valuable, but I think that by arguing semantics of language and nuances of source material many readers may get lost in the details. So here I offer my simplified book review, an Idiot's Guide to Why This Book is Awful, if you will.
    To begin with Akin's appeals to people's curiosity and desire for genuine material to lure an audience in and draw interest for his book by claiming it is a translation of a previously unknown ancient book of Druidic teaching, which he has exclusively gained access to but cannot produce for others to view. In reality his book is nothing but a badly written version of commonly known Irish mythology followed by his own personal ideas and a generous amount of uncredited plagiarized material from known traditional sources.
    The psuedo-archaic writing style is painful to read, rather reminiscent of the King James Bible, and I can see no point to it beyond making the work look somehow either older or more prestigious. There is no reason for a text he claims to have translated himself to be written in this way except for effect.  Beyond that there is a lot of non-Celtic material mixed in which clashes with extant Celtic sources, and the clear threads of Celtic material are not credited. He invents a system of aligning the days of the week with different planets and gods which is exactly like any Ceremonial Magic compendium with Sunday ruled by the sun and Monday by the moon, etc.,. He also uses the Greco-Roman ideas about four elements, instead of a more authentic Celtic view, to give a few samples of the foreign ideas in the book that are passed off as Irish.
   Particularly troublesome to me is the use of charms and prayers from the first two volumes of the Carmina Gadelica slightly re-written to be pagan without any acknowledgement of the true source of the material which could not possibly be a "secret" manuscript that would predate the Gadelica by almost three thousand years. It is beyond belief that nearly three millenia later the charms and prayers would have translated the same from Scottish to English as they allegedly did from Irish to German to English in this book. Akin's alleged personal translation from German is word for word identical to Carmichael's from 1900. To give a sample of this on page 148 of the Lebor Feasa Runda "The wicked who would do me harm / May his throat be diseased / Globularly, spirally, circularly / Fluxy, pellety, horny-grim" now compare that to the opening lines of charm 193 from volume 2 of the Carmina Gadelica printed in 1900, page 155, "The wicked who would do me harm / May he take the throat disease / Globularly, spirally, circularly / Fluxy, pellety, horny-grim.". This clear, obvious, plagierism cannot be defended, and this is only a small sample of the many such occurances throughout this book. I might not care about the poor writing or random nature of the work if Akins had simply published this as his own personal inspiration with credit to his sources, but I think plaigerism is simply wrong and cannot be justified away with appeals to spiritual inspiration. A core Druidic principle is Truth.
   I also find it disturbing that in his recipe for "oil of enlightenment" he repeats a medieval witches flying ointement that includes toxic ingredients like Hemlock, Aconite and Belladonna. Were anyone to follow his recipe for this oil and use it they could easily poison themselves, yet at no point does Akins mention that any of these plants are poisonous or require special handling.
    In short the book is clearly a mish-mash of plagierized sources Frankenstiened together. A beginner who reads this first will find information that is both wrong, misleading, and in at least the one case potentially dangerous.
 Other reviews:
https://wildhunt.org/2008/11/lost-racist-book-of-ancient-celtic.html
http://cr-r.livejournal.com/318578.html

My Gaelic Heathen Yule

  So Yule is fast approaching, and this Yule will represent my first attempt at incorporating some Celtic elements and traditions into what has so far been a Germanic and Norse festival period for me. Prior to becoming heathen in 2006 I didn't celebrate the winter solstice in any special way, beyond the secular; after becoming heathen I began celebrating the "traditional" 12 days of Yule, beginning on Mother Night and ending usually either on New Year's Eve or New Year's Day. I followed the CR approach of celebrating the four Irish fire festivals as holidays and not acknowledging any Celtic aspects of the solstices or equinoxes. However this year I am looking at what the more modern Celtic traditions of this time of year are and how they may relate to older Heathen ones in order to create a more synchretic personal approach (celebrating with my kindred is still Norse oriented).

  In Germanic and Norse traditions Yule is a 13 night, 12 day festival that is considered one of the most sacred times of the year. Yule begins on Mother Night, the night before the solstice which is often celebrated in honor of Frigga and the disir; in my family we celebrate Mother Night two days before the calendar date of the solstice because the eve of Yule has developed its own family traditions.  Many modern heathens that I know choose to stay up on the night before the solstice in order to greet the dawn on the solstice morning. The day of the solstice itself is considered both the most powerful of Yule and also the most dangerous as both trolls and ghosts are roaming free on the night of Yule. On this day the Yule log is burnt and the most sacred oaths are sworn. Celebrations continue until New Year's, a day that itself is important since it sets the tone for the year to come; actions taken on the last day of Yule/New year's eve (or day) influence the year to come.
Swearing oaths and making sacred toasts were sacred activities, as well as leaving out food offerings for the gods and spirits. Odin was especially associated with Yule time, as are the goddesses Perchte, Berchte or Holda. Yule bucks were made (the mask of a goat head, or a straw goat) and used for guising but was also believed to have its own separate spirit that had to be propitiated - often with ale or porridge - in order not to harm anyone in the family. Porridge is also left out as an offering to the house wight or spirit that lives in the home. A Yule tree was used for decoration and a yule log was burnt or in some modern cases a log is set with candles which are burnt.
    Now working with that as a base we can look at what we have for Yule traditions in Scotland. In Scotland McNeill states that while Odin may be known as the Yule Father it is Thor to whom this holiday actually belongs, as does all of the month of December. A Yule log of oak was traditionally burnt and Thor was asked to bring a prosperous new year. She relates a story of Norsemen in Scotland celebrating Yule with a great feast and then a bonfire, around which they danced and then chanted "Thor with us, Thor and Odin! Haile Yule, haile!" (McNeill, 1961, p. 52). In Scotland the "Christmas" season ran from Christmas eve until 12th Night, reflecting the older heathen practice of a 12 day celebration of Yule. Prior to the start of Yule the home was cleaned from top to bottom and stocked with food. During the period of Yule all household work like spinning and weaving was strictly prohibited as it was believed that to do such work, even drawing water, during the 12 days of Yule would risk the girls of the house being taken by a Kelpie. The hearth was cleaned and decorated to please the gods and garlanded with rowan to keep out mischievous spirits. On the eve of Yule the family would go out and collect the Yule log which would be brought in with great ceremony, an offering of ale is poured over it, and it is placed in the fire to burn through the night. In some parts of the Highlands the Yule log is associated with the Cailleach, the spirit of winter, and in those places the Yule log chosen would be the stump of an old tree. Special breads and cakes were baked on Yule eve, and ale and sowans were made with omens taken from how they cooked. First thing on Yule morning weather omens were taken to predict the year to come; green Yule meant snow in spring, warm Yule a cold spring, and a light Yule a good harvest. The rest of the day was spent in social gatherings and feasting. Another Yule tradition is guisers and mummers who travel from house to house in costume singing and offering entertainment and blessings in exchange for welcome into the home and some food. 
     New Year's Eve, called Hogmany, has many traditions of it's own, including special cleaning of the home, settling any debts, returning borrowed items, and generally setting everything in the household right in preparation for the new year. At the exact stroke of midnight on New Year's eve the head of the household opens the front door and lets the old year out while welcoming the new year in with the words "Welcome in New Year! When ye come, bring good cheer!" (McNeill, 1961, p. 104). Another important tradition of New Year's is first footing, or the belief that the first non-family member who enters the home after midnight on new years while indicate the family's luck in the coming year, with a cheerful dark haired man being the best first-footer, with a pretty woman being second best. Anyone born with a deformity, of bad character, who is stingy, whose eyebrows meet in the middle, or who may have the Evil Eye are bad luck. To avert the ill luck of a bad first footing throw salt in the fire, burn a wisp of straw, or put a burning coal in water.
    In Scotland New Years is also a time of blessing the home and of omens. Holly, Hazel, and Rowan are hung up around the home and the entire home was fumigated with burning juniper. Burning the juniper was considered very important to cleanse the home and was done immediately upon waking before anyone ate breakfast. On New Year's eve a silver coin was left out on the doorstep and if it was still there in the morning it was seen as a sign of prosperity for the year to come, but if it was gone it was an ill omen. Wearing new clothes on New Year's day is good luck so is carrying a silver coin in your pocket. To see a red dawn on New Year's day means bad luck and strife to come and the direction of the wind is an omen of the year to come as well: "Wind from the west, fish and bread, wind from the north, cold and flaying, wind from the east, snow on the hills, wind from the south, fruit on trees." (McNeill, 1961, p. 115).
   In Ireland Yule was also started with a complete cleaning of the home which was  followed by decorating with Holly, Ivy, Bay and other evergreens, and as in Scotland food was stocked up on. Preparations were made that included placing lit candles in the windows of the home; these are now associated with Christmas but may well be older as some believe the candles' light serves to guide and welcome the visiting dead who wander at this time of year. Some choose to light a special candle for any family members who have passed in the last year. As in Scotland the weather is seen as being an omen of the year to come with cold weather foretelling a warm spring; additionally a new moon was seen as especially lucky. Mumming and guising is also seen and New Years eve and day were strongly associated with divination and omens. While first footing isn't seen in Ireland the way it is in Scotland there is a belief that if the first person or animal to enter the home after midnight on New Year's eve is male and black or dark haired the house will have good luck. A special bread was baked and then hit three times against the door while the head of the house or house wife chanted either "We warn famine to retire, To the country of the Turks, from this night to this night twelvemonth, and even this very night." or "Happiness in and misfortune out from this night, Until a year from to-night" (Danaher, 1972, p. 261). After this the loaf was tossed out the door.
   So this actually gives us a lot to work with for celebrating both Germanic/Norse Yule traditions and Celtic ones over the course of  a 12 day celebration. I like the idea of including Thor more in the Yule celebrations, especially as they relate to the Yule log, and of lighting candles for my ancestors, which I may do each night of Yule. Including the Cailleach makes sense as well. I also can easily see how to incorporate the specific New Year's eve and day traditions, such as welcoming the new year in and also the Irish custom of banging the bread on the door. And the multitude of divinations and omens can easily be used on the day of Yule and on New Year's day, as can the cleaning of the home before the start of Yule and the cleansing and blessing rituals of New Year's day.

  I'm excited to see how Yule this year is going to go as I work on finding the synergy of this path, which clearly has so much potential.

References:
 Our Troth volume 2, the Troth, 2007
 The Year in Ireland, Danaher, 1972
 the Silver Bough volume 3, McNeill, 1961

A modern Celtic House Blessing

So yesterday I went out to a friend's new house (at their request) to cleanse and bless the space. It occurs to me that this sort of simple thing would be good to post here for anyone to do themselves. This method is entirely my own, as far as I know, and thoroughly modern, but is based on older methods and concepts.
  So first I walked through the house, room by room, burning herbs associated with cleansing. In general I recommend using a combination of vervain, rosemary, and juniper when possible, but any one of those alone is also good. Using smoke to purify and bless spaces and the home is an old Celtic practice, particularly using juniper. F. Marian McNeill in the Silver Bough says "Juniper, or the mountain yew, was burned by the Highlanders both in the house and in the byre as a purification rite on New Year's morning" and the Gadelica itself says "Iubhar beinne [juniper] and caorran, mountain ash or rowan, were burnt on the doorstep of the byre on the first day of the quarter, on Beltaine Day and Hallowmas." Likewise rosemary also has a strong historical association with cleansing, as according to Grieve's Modern Herbal it was burned to cleanse a sick room and was also believed to remove any evil influences in general (http://botanical.com/botanical/mgmh/r/rosema17.html). Vervain in both the Celtic and Roman world was considered a sacred herb and used as an offering to the Gods (http://botanical.com/botanical/mgmh/v/vervai08.html)
   Next I lit a white candle and walked through each room again praying for blessing on the home. This is based on traditions associated with certain holidays, like Samhain, where fire - usually in the form of a burning torch - would be taken around the boundary of a property to bless it and protect it.
    In the end I stood in the middle of what would be the living room, holding the candle, and recited a prayer modified from the Carmina Gadelica:

"Gods bless this house,
From site to stay,
From beam to wall,
From end to end,
From ridge to basement,
From balk to roof,
From foundation to summit,
Foundation and summit."

The above prayer is the modifed version from my book, it is changed very little from the original which can be found in the first volume of the Carmina Gadelica by Carmichael here http://www.sacred-texts.com/neu/celt/cg1/cg1048.htm

House Blessing 45

God bless the house,
From site to stay,
From beam to wall,
From end to end,
From ridge to basement,
From balk to roof-tree,
From found to summit,
Found and summit.

References:
 The Silver Bough by F. Marian McNeill
 Carmina Gadelica by A. Carmichael
a Modern Herbal by M. Grieve
By Land, Sea, and Sky by M. Daimler

Celtic Rites of Passage for Children/Young Adults

I'm a big believer in the importance of rites of passage to help anchor us in our spirituality and our sense of self. It's a very tribal way to do things, I think, to commemorate life changes with ritual. I know not everyone agrees or sees the need but for those who do...
 I divided these up into girl and boy rituals, but there is flexibility in either to be reworked for the other gender,or for teens that identify with the other gender. I fully intend to use the first one, for girls, when my daughters are old enough - unless they'd rather go on a hunt ; )
      Morgan

          This first ritual is a rite of passage for a girl entering adulthood. Personally I would suggest doing it at the onset of menses, or roughly around 12 or 13. It is based on the Invocation of the Graces #3 from the Carmina Gadelica.  Before the ritual the girl should have to face a challenge; this may include solving a riddle, making something by hand that challenges her skill, or finding something hidden. The exact challenge should be tailored to the girl, and should be difficult but not impossible.
  Prepare the altar and ritual space as usual; place a bowl of sacred water on the altar. Process to the space and call on the ancestors, spirits of the land, and the gods to witness the ritual. The assembled people should form a rough circle around the altar, while the officiant and girl stand before the altar. The officiant should ask the girl her name, why she has come before the assembly, and if she is ready to assume her new role within the community. The girl should answer honestly and from her heart to all the questions, present proof that she has passed her challenge, and if she is ready to proceed, the officiant should pick up the bowl of water and lightly wash her hands while reciting:
 "I wash your palms
In showers of wine,
In the lustral fire,
In the three elements,
In the juice of the rasps,
In the milk of honey."
Then the officiant should drip the sacred water on the girl's head, one drop for each line of the following, as it is recited,
"I place the nine pure choice graces
In your fair fond face,
         The grace of form,
         The grace of voice,
         The grace of fortune,
         The grace of goodness,
         The grace of wisdom,
         The grace of generosity,
         The grace of choice honor,
         The grace of whole-souled loveliness,
         The grace of goodly speech."
At this point the officiant should put the bowl of water down and stand with their hands on the girl's shoulders while saying:
"Dark is yonder town,
Dark are those therein,
You are the young brown swan,
Going in among them.
Their hearts are under your control,
Their tongues are beneath your foot,
Nor will they ever utter a word
     To give offence to you.
You are shade in the heat,
You are shelter in the cold,
You are eyes to the blind,
You are a staff to the traveller,
You are an island at sea,
You are a fortress on land,
You are a well in the desert,
     You are health to the ailing.
Yours is the skill of the Fairy Woman,
Yours is the virtue of Brighid the calm,
Yours is the generosity of Danu, ever-flowing,
Yours is the bounty of Boann the fair,
Yours is the beauty of Emir the lovely,
 Yours is the tenderness of Airmed, the gentle,
Yours is the courage of Macha the strong,
   Yours is the charm of Fand of the wave.
You are the joy of all joyous things,
You are the light of the beam of the sun,
You are the door of the chief of hospitality,
You are the surpassing star of guidance,
You are the step of the deer of the hill,
You are the step of the steed of the plain,
You are the grace of the swan of swimming,
     You are the loveliness of all lovely desires.
The best hour of the day be yours,
The best day of the week be yours,
The best week of the year be yours,
The best year in the lifetimes of men be yours.
Dagda has come and Ogma has come,
Brighid has come and Aine has come,
Boann and Manannan Mac Lir have come,
Lugh the many skilled has come,
Angus mac Og the beauty of the young has come,
Morrighan of the augury has come,
Dian Cecht, gifted god of healing has come,
And Miach the skilled healer of the host has come,
     And Airmed the mild has come,
     And the Spirit of true guidance has come,
     And Danu, mother of the people of skill has come,
     To bestow on you their affection and their love,
          To bestow on you their affection and their love."
 Afterwards the girl should thank the gods, spirits, and ancestors and should make offerings to them. The ritual should be concluded in the normal manner and then the assembled people should celebrate with feasting and gift giving to the girl.


     This second ritual is a rite of passage for a boy entering adulthood. Personally I would suggest doing it  roughly around 12 or 13, but it is up to the parents to decide when the boyis ready. It is based on Blessing the Hunter #114 from the Carmina Gadelica.This prayer was said as a consecration over a hunter before he went out to hunt. A very specific ritual was followed were he was anointed with oil while standing with his feet apart, each foot on a patch of bare ground, then handed a bow (Carmichael, 1900).  Much like the blessing of a king or judge this blessing came with specific prohibitions that acted as geis for the hunter throughout his life, usually relating to what animals he could and could not hunt. Specifically nursing or brooding animals were prohibited, as were unweaned or unfledged ones, and resting animals (Carmichael, 1900).
  I would recommend that as part of the ritual, if possible, the boy actually participate in a hunt, either literally hunting and killing an animal or else a hunt that relies on skill, perhaps to retrieve a number of hidden items to prove himself. At the start of the ritual he may present the result of his hunt or the items that he found as proof of his success.
     Prepare the altar and ritual space as usual; place oil for anointing the boy and a weapon, either real and to be used in the actual hunt or symbolic, on the altar. Process to the space and call on the ancestors, spirits of the land, and the gods to witness the ritual. The assembled people should form a rough circle around the altar, while the officiant and boy stand before the altar. The officiant should ask the boy his name, why he has come before the assembly, and if he is ready to assume his new role within the community. The boy should answer honestly and from his heart to all the questions and present proof of his success at completing his hunt, and if he is ready to proceed, the officiant should pick up the oil and anoint the boy's head while reciting:
"You are the product of your ancestors,
May you be guided in the way that is right,
In the names of the Spirits of sea, earth and sky,
In name of the Gods of Life who bless you.
In the names of Ogma, and Nuada
Manannan of the wave, and Daghda the Good God,
Dian Cecht the healer, and Giobnui the smith
Macha the red, and Danu the mother of the aos sidhe.
In name of Lugh the many-skilled,
And Boann of the river,
Angus beloved, and sovereign Eriu,
Tailtiu calm, and Brighid of the milk and cattle.
In the name of Morrighan goddess of hosts,
In the name of Anu, giver of abundance,
In the name of Flidias of the woodland glens,
And Airmed of the healing herbs."
 The officiant should put down the oil and pick up the weapon, handing it to the boy with proper ceremony. When the boy takes it the officiant should continue, saying,
"Until the time you shall have closed your eyes,
You shall not bend your knee nor move,
You shall not wound the duck that is swimming,
Never shall you harry her or her young.
The white swan of the sweet gurgle,
The speckled dun of the brown tuft,
You shall not cut a feather from their backs,
Till the world ends, on the crest of the wave.
They must be on the wing
Before you place missile to your ear,
And the fair Danu will give you of her love,
And the lovely Brighid will give you of her blessing.
You shall not eat fallen fish nor fallen flesh,
Nor one bird that was not brought down by skill,
Be thankful for the one,
Though nine should be swimming.
The fairy swan of Brighid of flocks,
The fairy duck of Danu of the people of peace."
  Afterwards the boy should thank the gods, spirits, and ancestors and should make offerings to them. The ritual should be concluded in the normal manner and then the assembled people should celebrate with feasting and gift giving to the boy. If an actual hunt was held then at the feast the assembled people can eat what the boy caught.

 Reference:
Carmichael, A., (1900) Carmina Gadelica volume 1
 Daimler. M (2010) By Land, Sea, and Sky

the 12 Days of Yule - a holiday song parody

The Twelve Days of Yule-tide - sung to the tune of the 12 Days of Christmas

On the twelfth day of yule-tide, my kindred gave to me
twelve happy heathens
eleven rounds of sumble
ten bottles of mead
nine sets of runes
eight hammer pendants
seven hours of feasting
six songs to Sunna
five amber rings
four drinking horns
three ash spears
two viking movies
and a yule log carved with holly

© M C Daimler
http://www.odins-gift.com/poth/recent/thetwelvedaysofyuletide.htm

Facing Fear - or why I don't blog about heathenry often

     This is a blog I've needed to write probably since the beginning, but I have been putting off because it's personal, it's painful and it's messy. It's also unresolved, but it still needs to be said, and maybe saying it will help me push myself into blogging more about heathenry and related topics...
   People ask me sometimes why I write so much Celtic material if I am also heathen. Well there are two main reasons. Firstly I have studied the Celtic side of things for about 20 odd years now so its definitely my comfort zone; not that I know everything, or even comparatively that much, but I'm comfortable with Celtic mythology and paganism and feel confident talking about it. It's sort of my metaphysical comfy sweater.
  The second reason is that heathenry is a difficult emotional subject for me to talk about. On the one hand I love my kindred, and I very much enjoy the heathen practices in my life, which are probably more numerous than most people would assume. On the other hand I often find the larger heathen community enormously frustrating for me, personally. When I "converted" to heathenry in early 2006 it was the first time in my life I had ever moved from one religion to another - and initially it was a full conversion, only later did my religion become dual-tradition and only now is it evolving into something more synchretic as I explore Gaelic Heathenry, but I digress. The first several years went very well; I started a kindred, was hijacked by Odin, met lots of great people, and generally really liked it. And then the train de-railed in late 2008 when my youngest daughter, then only a year old, started really struggling with chronic health issues. I had to pull back from several community commitments and also had to start turning down invitations to other groups events. And in the middle of these months of feeling alienated from the larger community, feeling that I had failed at something that is a core aspect of heathenry, I had the inevitable crisis of faith. Oh it wasn't quite that clearly defined, since I had already been missing some aspects of my Irish practices and had already been reaching out to the Druid community in particular, but it was at this point that I really had a dark night of the soul experience. I missed the easy comfort of Celtic paganism and I felt that I had no connection to any of the gods (except Odin but he's an all around exception). I felt cut off from my new community due to my own inability to participate in it and while my kindred remained strong I felt increasingly alienated form heathenry at large. Which is a problem in a faith that is so deeply community based. I started to feel like I needed more to depend on, but was stuck in the Catch-22 of feeling like I had no one to go to to explain my nebulous feelings of insecurity, the nagging sense that I was doing it all wrong, which only fed into the feelings of failing at being a self-sufficient, persevering heathen. Now looking back I can see that a lot of this probably related directly to me projecting my feelings about my daughter's health issues onto my religion because I could not let myself feel weak or ineffective as her caregiver, as the person she depended on, but I could feel that way about my faith even though it made me totally miserable. I had my kindred who stood by me through everything, I had friends I could have gone to, I had people who I could have reached out to, but I convinced myself that my problems would be a waste of their time, or that I was already bothering them enough with other things going on at the same time. Maybe it was pride. Maybe it was fear of judgement. Either way I fell back into what was comfortable, my comfy sweater religion, only I didn't stop being heathen either - which was a very good way to alienate myself from both the CR and heathen communities, so maybe that was another subconscious expression...or maybe it's just that on a deep level I need both Celtic and Norse paganism to find any real balance in my life. I'm still sorting that one out, but it certainly is a system that works for me.
      Anyway, I never stopped being heathen, I just also had other separate Celtic practices and I struggled for a long time to find a balance between the two, in the end settling on an equal division of time.  I joke that I treat it like a divorced couple sharing custody, although as I mentioned earlier I am now exploring Gaelic Heathenry which is more directly synchretic in it's approach....I never stopped being dedicated to Odin (as if I could!), or being a gythia to my kindred, never stopped living the 9 noble virtues as best I could, or honoring the gods, vaettir, and ancestors with fainings, but these years of struggle and difficulty put me in a place where I feel very apart from the larger, and local, heathen community, a fact which in and of itself makes me feel worse about all of it; community is a huge part of heathenry, so feeling cut off from that, even if it's only in my own mind, makes me feel less heathen, less worthy. And that just sucks. I've made a right mess of things at my end and there is no easy way to fix it, so I keep stumbling on, one foot in front of the other.
  This all makes it hard for me to write about heathenry or my heathen practices, because it immediately pulls up a mess of emotions. But I realize that not doing it out of fear isn't helping anything, is just perpetuating the feeling. The only way to defeat fear is to face it, and I need to face this one, so I am going to start writing one heathen themed blog each week, on whatever topic comes up.
  So if you've ever wondered why my heathen themed content so far was limited mostly to book reviews, now you know. No one has as much power to mess us up as we do over ourselves.